FAQs
Here are some of the questions that people have approached us with, and that we sense may present barriers for some people in stepping towards this work. Please be in touch if you are holding concerns that are not addressed here, and we will do our best to respond.
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01
FEAR OF OVERWHELM
What if I get overwhelmed by my strong emotions? I'm worried that if I open the floodgates it will be too much for me.
This is a common concern. Emotions are a necessary and natural part of how we heal and come into relationship with ourselves, with others – and with the earth too. But in our culture we often lack both the wisdom and support around how to manage our emotions. As a consequence, many of us carry an archaeology of grief, a backlog of accumulated hurts, and so the fear of overwhelm can be very real. We may have had experiences earlier in our life where we lacked the support to meet our grief in healthy ways, and we became swamped and lost in it.
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In our workshops we work with tried and tested practices that gently invite your grief to come to the surface without overwhelming your system. We prioritise self care and soothing and everything is paced to be spacious and supportive. This provides a safe container where we learn to take one piece at a time, trusting what emerges on the day. Together we wade into the waters of our grief held by our shared group journey, and then we come out the other side and say, 'I'm done for today.'
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That said, grief can be intense at times in our life. This isn't always something to be avoided. With the right support and understanding, it can be an initiation into a depth of soul and aliveness, a kind of homecoming within ourselves. There are other times when we need to attend to what is supporting and resourcing us before diving into the deeper currents of our pain. We have a process in place to help you - and us - discern together whether it's the right time for you to step into this work of grief tending in community.
02
OTHERS' STORIES
What if I get overwhelmed by listening to traumatic stories and by the emotions of others?
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A typical workshop involves a number of different elements, and expressing deep emotions is just one part of this. The first part of the workshop is focussed on resourcing, gentle ways of coming into connection with each other and with our sources of support. The latter part of the workshop is about soothing and integrating, which usually includes sharing of food, rest and relaxation, songs, sometimes dancing (all of which is optional!)
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Calling on the wider holding beyond the individuals in the group (see below for more on this) is a key way of ensuring that no individual needs to hold the breadth and depth of what is shared. There is a collective resource that is providing the holding, and we build this container together. And, if you do find yourself feeling triggered in an overwhelming way during a workshop, there's always the option of taking a pause, stepping outside, having a breather and checking in with one of the facilitators about this – as we say at the beginning of every workshop, 'self-care is on top'.
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Of course what others share will stir emotions and memories for each of us. As well as being sometimes challenging, many have experienced this as an opening to feelings of compassion and solidarity, which in itself brings healing. Our faith and confidence in being able to meet and hold difficult things together grows. Which isn't to say it's easy – this is also difficult work! We encourage participants to continue the process of self-care, integration and checking in with support in the days and weeks following the workshop.
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03
TENDING NOT FIXING
What does it mean to 'tend' our grief?
In tending our grief, we are learning the art of letting it work us into mature human beings. The aim is not to get rid of it, but rather to create more space around it so that it's held within an expanded sense of ourselves, and within the wider web of community and belonging. We're never going to be done with our grief, it's part of our human journey. In this work we view grief as a kind of medicine for the human condition, not as a sickness or a problem to be fixed.
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The difficulties that many of us experience with our mental health, such as depression and anxiety, can often be traced, at least in part, to our inability to process our grief. Likewise, there is much evidence and opinion to suggest that many forms of physical illness are related to emotions that have becoming stuck in our bodies. Tending our grief is about helping our life energy flow more freely, which brings healing to us as individuals, and it also enlivens our connections with each other thereby fostering community.
04
IS IT THERAPY?
Is grief tending similar to bereavement counselling or therapy?
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It's similar in that the overall aim is to support you through times of pain, grief, and loss and for you to be in a space where your grief is welcomed. However, the way that we do this is different from counselling or therapy.
With the guidance of experienced facilitators, you are invited to bring your grief into a community of fellow grievers. Throughout the day you will move between being both the griever and the one who witnesses other people's grieving. We practice bearing witness to one another, without offering solutions or advice, as fellow humans who recognise that grief is a natural part of life. We sometimes describe this as the 'village'. It seems to touch into an ancient memory of what it means to be in a community of belonging where all of us is welcome.
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Grief tending is not meant to replace other sources of support. Individual therapy and other forms of groupwork may be helpful too, particularly if you are experiencing strong feelings of grief or overwhelm.
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05
the facilitators
Are the facilitators qualified therapists?
Grief tending facilitators are typically not trained therapists, though some do have qualifications in counselling and psychotherapy. All of us bring a variety of experience of recovery and the healing arts, and trainings in different facilitation modalities. We have also worked and studied with the lineage bearers of this approach (see 'Where does this approach come from?' below). Beyond this, our primary qualification is our own journey with grief, and our experience of being part of grief tending communities.
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Norwich Grief Tending is part of a growing worldwide movement led primarily by lay people, seeking partnership with professional services and offering a complement to other approaches. Drawing on both ancient wisdom and modern psychology, this movement is about resourcing all of us to create more healthy cultures and to form communities of care and healing.
06
expressing grief
I feel nervous about expressing my grief with strangers - what is that like?
All the activities we offer are optional and you are encouraged to listen to your own needs and express what feels right for you moment by moment. We focus on 'building the banks' of community and support, working with practices to gently stir and surface our grief. These include being in circle together and activities in pairs and small groups that deepen authentic connection.
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In this way we can step into the waters of our grief together, building safety to do so step by step. Witnessing others in their grief often has a profound impact, as we recognise the common bond of our shared suffering, that we are no longer alone in our grief. People often tell us that they are surprised by how nourishing and supportive this feels, and that people who were strangers feel like friends by the end of the day.
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07
do i have to cry?
What if I don't cry or don't feel very much at all?
There's no expectation that you will cry or indeed express any emotions during the workshop. There are many reasons why our grief can be difficult to get in touch with. Sometimes it shows up as anger, despair or numbness. Often our grief is stuck or frozen and we simply need permission to let it surface in its own time. Some people attend multiple grief tending workshops before getting in touch with their grief. It's a journey, and we invite everyone to honour their own pace and needs, without pressure.
08
THE ROLE OF ritual
What do you mean by ritual and ceremony?
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Simple rituals are a way for us to bring more intention and awareness into our daily lives, like giving thanks for another day when you have your first cup of tea in the morning, lighting a candle before you meditate, or saying grace before you eat. The rituals we offer (sometimes also referred to as ceremonies) are not associated with any particular religious or spiritual tradition, though we welcome the many wisdom streams that inform this approach, and individual facilitators may bring different flavours drawn from their own experience and beliefs.
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The rituals we work with are simple and accessible, and may include things like lighting a candle, and acknowledging the sources of support in our lives. We also work with symbols (for example pouring water), poetry and song, as ways of building community and accessing faculties within ourselves that go beyond concepts and words. Whilst words provide a powerful way to share our stories and describe our experiences, there are other kinds of language too that can help us express and transform our inner experience.
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09
spirituality
What is the role of spirituality in grief tending?
In these spaces we honour and 'call in' the wider support and holding of the natural world, and of the realms above and beyond our own to support us in our grief tending. You might think of a grief tending ritual as a sacred space for emotions to be welcomed, witnessed and expressed within the context of this wider support where we recognise that something larger is holding us all. Depending on your personal beliefs, you might have words that help you access and relate to this realm, for example Love, God, Goddess, the Ancestors, Buddha nature, Christ consciousness, Allah, the Divine, the Sacred Elements, and Great Mystery, amongst others.
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We approach this territory sensitively, recognising that for many the realm of religion and spirituality can feel difficult and confusing, and sometimes is a source of pain and grief in itself. We aim for an ethos that is inclusive of everyone's personal experience. We also recognise, and indeed celebrate, that this basic orientation towards a spiritual sense is a universal facet of our human experience that many in our times are longing to reconnect with.
10
activities & practices
What kind of activities are offered?
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We offer tried and tested practices drawing on wisdom from a number of key sources (see 'Where does this approach come from?' below). Generally there will be a mixture of spending time in circle together, gentle pair work and small group work. We explore the different types of grief that are part of the human journey and we may offer some writing prompts for you to explore.
There is usually some gentle movement to connect with your body, singing an uplifting song or two together, time outside in nature, a simple ceremony, then a shared feast before moving into nervous system support, soothing and deep rest. We finish by helping you to prepare for your return journey home so that you can integrate the experience into your daily life.
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11
participation
What if I find the activities challenging and don't want to join in?
All activities are optional and we invite you to rest and prioritise self care throughout the day. Having said that, we encourage you to try out the activities we offer with a spirit of curiosity. For some people, singing or movement in a group can feel embarrassing, for others writing is a challenge, and for some folk the idea of ceremony is unfamiliar and may be even a little scary.
For the introverts among us the idea of meeting new people and opening up about what is close to our hearts can feel intimidating. It is very common to have some fears and doubts about the day if you haven't yet experienced the support and nourishment that this approach offers. If you have specific questions or concerns please reach out to us.
12
origins
Where does Grief Tending in Community come from?
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The Grief Tending in Community approach has been pioneered by Sophy Banks and Jeremy Thres (through Grief Tending in Community in Devon) and the Norfolk facilitators have all completed the Apprenticing to Grief programme that they offer.
This work combines ancient wisdom with modern psychology to invite healthy expression of our emotions and to foster feelings of presence, connection and aliveness. Francis Weller, Joanna Macy, Sobonfu Somé, Martin Prechtel and Maeve Gavin are among the lineage of teachers who have inspired this work, and here in Norfolk there are other teachers and practices that inform individual facilitators and our overall approach.